I am the Grumpy-Billed Snitch, with a waddle and sneer,
I have absolutely no use for your holiday cheer!
I don’t care for the turkey, the gravy, or yams,
I’m just here to execute foul-feathered scams.
I waddle in silence on flat, webby feet,
To snatch up the treats that you’re planning to eat.
So search high and low, but you’ll just hear me quack,
I’m taking the pie, and I’m not giving it back!
Oh, the Grumpy-Billed Snitch is a terrible fowl,
With a beak like a pucker and eyes on a scowl.
He sneaks through the house while the relatives chat,
To hide in the shadows, or under a hat.
He scoffed at the stuffing, he laughed at the beans,
He’s the meanest green mallard that anyone's seen.
You might hear a chirp, or a tick, or a beep,
As he plots total ruin while everyone's deep in their sleep!
With a ruffle of green and a beak pointed down,
Make way for the terrible Frizzle-Feathered Frown!
Your Thanksgiving joy makes my feathers all frizz,
For I am the grumpiest mallard there is.
While everyone gathers for turkey and beans,
I waddle about in the shadows, unseen.
I scoff at the stuffing, I sneer at the pie,
I'm stealing the holiday right from your eye!
So dig through the closets and look on the shelves,
You won't find me easily, all by yourselves.
Just listen quite closely for buzzes or beeps,
The Frizzle-Feathered Frown plays his game for keeps!
Good heavens, what’s this? It’s a terribly loud,
Over-stuffed, over-sugared American crowd!
I am Sir Reginald Scowl, if you please,
And your holiday customs are quite a disease.
You’re mashing potatoes and roasting a bird,
While drinking iced water? It’s frankly absurd!
Where are the crumpets? The proper hot tea?
This colonial nonsense is grating to me!
I’ve hidden myself with a stiff upper lip,
Away from your gravy and cranberry dip.
I’ll sit in the shadows and silently sneer,
The poshest green mallard you’ll find all this year.
I am the Sparkle-Sip Cider-Sip Snerk,
And stealing your juice is my favorite work!
I popped off the foil with a fizzle and pop,
And guzzled the apples right down to the drop.
You won’t get a sip from the round, glass-y jug,
I drank it all up with a gluggety-glug!
So look for my waddle, and listen for beeps,
I’m hiding the juice where the dust-bunny sleeps!
I’m the Sun-Baked Snerk, and I'm hot and I'm mad,
For a Christmas without any snow is just bad!
There are no yellow leaves, there's no frost on the ground,
Just sunshine and palm trees and sand all around!
You call this a Christmas? It’s seventy-five!
Without any winter, my grump can't survive!
I'm sweating in feathers, I'm baking my beak,
This bright, sunny weather is making me weak.
So I snatched up your presents and scampered away,
To sulk in the shade on this terrible day.
Just look for my waddle and listen for beeps,
Where the air-con is cold and the dust-bunny sleeps!
I’m the Protesting Plump, and I’m begging you, please!
Put down the carver and eat some more cheese!
Go cook up a ham, or a big hunk of beef,
And give this green waterfowl total relief!
I painted a sign like the cows on the street,
Who tell you that chicken’s the right thing to eat.
But I crossed it all out and I wrote in "MORE HAM!"
To save my own tail from this holiday scam.
I’m hiding away so I won't be the roast,
I’m guarding my feathers, away from the host!
So listen for buzzes and beeps in the dark,
I’m cleverly hidden and won't be your mark!
My heart is exactly two sizes too small,
And the noise of the kiddos is worst of it all!
The screeching and shouting, they scamper and bound,
It's a terribly, awfully, deafening sound!
But the kids aren't the worst of the dangers I've met,
It’s those fast Malinois—they're a terrible threat!
One snapped with its jaws and it gave me a fright,
And it chomped on my wing with a furious bite!
So I’m squawking and hiding, high up off the floor,
Where the hounds and the children can't reach me no more.
Just look for the duck with a dent in his wing,
And listen for beeps while I bitterly sing!
I’m the Pomegranate Puzzler, a curious sight,
With a fruity obsession that isn't quite right!
I don't care for turkey, I don't want your meat,
It's oranges and pomegranates I want to eat!
I sit in the fruit bowl and act very strange,
I'm sticky and sweet and a little deranged!
I munch on the rind and I swallow the seeds,
This tangy, tart flavor is all that I need.
My feathers are messy, my brain is a fuzz,
So dig through the house and just wait for my buzz.
I’m hiding away in a citrusy heap,
A fruity green oddball who's playing for keeps!
I am the Plastic-Block Pout, and I’m sneaky and sly,
I built a great fortress to hide from your eye!
With bricks of bright yellow and pieces of blue,
I’m snapping together a wall against you!
I know that you're searching, but watch where you tread,
These little hard pieces are something to dread!
If you step on a block with your bare little feet,
My Grinchy green victory will be complete!
So dig through the toy box and rummage around,
But mind the sharp plastic that covers the ground.
Just wait for the chirp or the buzz or the beep,
I'm deep in the castles where minifigs sleep!
I am the Gospel Grump, sneaky and green,
The least righteous mallard that you've ever seen!
You’re shouting "He’s Risen!" and singing your praise,
While I'm plotting mischief for all of my days.
You've got your big Bibles and hands in the air,
With Sunday-school lessons you're eager to share.
But I have no interest in sermons or grace,
I'm finding a highly un-sanctified place!
So look near the crosses or where you might pray,
I’ve taken the hymnals and tucked them away.
Just listen quite closely for buzzes or beeps,
Where the Good Book is kept and the green sinner sleeps!
I am the Anti-Stretch Snitch with a beak in a pout,
This yoga and stretching is stressing me out!
My webbed little feet simply slip on the mat,
And a duck shouldn't bend in a pose like a cat!
You tell me to breathe and to reach with my wings,
But I have no patience for flexible things!
Your torturous planks make my tail feathers shake,
I'm a plump green waterfowl—give me a break!
So roll up your mats and go sweat in your tights,
I’ve waddled away to a spot out of sight.
I've tucked my green bill where it's cozy and deep,
Just look for my tail and wait for my beep!
I sneaked past the hallway and flapped to the door,
And waddled my webby green feet on the floor!
I’ve come to the room of the grandma and gramp,
To hide like a grumpy and feathery scamp!
For this is the chamber where secrets are kept,
Where grandmas and grandpas have quietly slept.
I poked my flat beak in the shadiest nook,
To give all their secrets a feathery look!
I've ruffled my feathers and tucked in my bill,
Right where it is cozy and perfectly still.
So search through the secrets and wait for a peep,
From the grandparents' bedroom where waterfowl sleep!
I waddled my way to the stinkiest space,
A terrible, awful, and flatulent place!
The odor is pungent, it makes my beak twitch,
A marvelous spot for a potty-time snitch!
You sit on the toilet and leave a great stink,
While I ruffle my feathers right under the sink.
I’m plugging my nostrils, my green feathers shake,
At the smelly brown plops that you animals make!
So grab the air freshener, give it a spray,
To chase all those bathroom-y odors away!
Just look near the plunger and wait for a beep,
Where the potty is foul and the waterfowls sleep!
I am the Llama-Duck! ¡Hola, qué tal!
A highly unusual, odd animal.
I wanted to hike in the hills of Peru,
But instead I am stuck in this house here with you!
I wish I had hooves and a warm, fuzzy coat,
But I’m stuck with flat webs and a quack in my throat!
So I spit like a llama to ruin your cheer,
The grumpiest bird in the whole hemisphere!
I’ve waddled away to be left all alone,
In a small Machu Picchu I built of my own.
Just look for my poncho and wait for a beep,
Where the llamas and grumpy green waterfowls sleep!
I belong to Aunt Krista, the Doctor of Books,
But I’m giving this family my grumpiest looks!
With her PhD papers and novels to read,
This neglected green mallard is jealous, indeed!
All summer she played as the "Fun Aunt" in town,
Which caused my green feathers to ruffle and frown!
She showered the nieces and nephew with glee,
Instead of directing attention to ME!
So I’ve waddled away to a Shakespearean stack,
Where a bitter green waterfowl plots his attack.
Go search through the library, wait for a beep,
Where the poetry's thick and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I waddled my way past the rattles and bows,
To sneer at the toddler with cute little toes!
Her mama is Sarah, the baby's Darlene,
And I am a duck who is grumpy and green!
She’s almost turned two, and she’s running about,
Which causes this waterfowl loudly to pout!
You pinch at her cheeks and you sing her sweet tunes,
While I have been sulking for several long moons!
So I’ve tucked my flat beak with the blocks and the toys,
To get far away from the toddler-ish noise!
Just dig through the blankets and wait for my beep,
Where sweet little Darlene and Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am the Tremendous Political Quack,
And frankly, this dinner is under attack!
Your turkey is tiny, the stuffing is sad,
The worst mashed potatoes that I've ever had!
The Fake News will tell you I’m ruining cheer,
But I am the greatest green duck of the year!
I'm building a wall out of cranberry sauce,
To show all you turkeys exactly who's boss!
I've won by a lot, it was really a sweep,
Now I've waddled away for a beautiful sleep.
Believe me, I'm hiding, the best you can seek,
Just wait for the beep from my fabulous beak!
I'm the Space-Needle Snitch from the rainy Northwest,
Where the clouds never part and my webs never rest!
I’m soggy and damp from my head to my feet,
With a cup of espresso I bought on the street.
You’re throwing dead fish in the market for fun,
And shielding your eyes from a sliver of sun!
I drank ten macchiatos, I'm buzzing and mad,
And all of this Thanksgiving joy is just bad!
So I packed up my flannel and waddled away,
To hide in the gloom on this terrible day.
Just look near the coffee and wait for a beep,
Where the grunge music plays and the green mallards sleep!
I’m the Show-Me State Snitch from a Missouri farm,
Where the lakes are so quiet and perfectly calm!
But I hated the woods and the Ozarky air,
So I waddled right over to give you a scare!
You can keep your burnt ends and your barbecue plates,
For I am the grumpiest duck in the states!
I scoff at the ravioli, toasted and hot,
And I'm stealing the Thanksgiving turkey you bought!
So search through the house and look low and look high,
I’m a Midwestern mallard who's sneaky and sly.
Just listen quite closely to hear my loud beep,
Where the Show-Me State Grinch-duck is trying to sleep!
I waddled my way to the coffee and beans,
The holiest roasts that this kitchen has seen!
They bought it for Krista’s dear dad, I am told,
A heavenly brew that is wondrous and bold!
But I have no use for a sanctified cup,
I'm a grumpy green mallard who hates waking up!
You sip on your blessings and joyfully sneer,
While I ruin the morning and bitterly jeer!
So search through the pantry and look by the grounds,
Where the righteous and heavenly coffee is found.
Just dig through the bags and then wait for a beep,
Where the dark roast is kept and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I built Amazon Prime and the Microsoft Cloud,
But now I am fed up and quacking out loud!
I’m sick of the servers, the code, and the screens,
The nerdiest Grinch-duck that you've ever seen!
You’re eating your turkey and passing the bread,
While I'm crashing networks and systems instead!
I’m hacking your Wi-Fi, I’m stealing your stream,
And writing fresh bugs for your holiday dream!
So look near the router or down by the plugs,
I’m hiding away with the software and bugs!
Just search through the cables and wait for a beep,
Where the laptops are charging and tech-mallards sleep!
I stepped to the plate with a bat and a sneer,
The grumpiest waterfowl playing this year!
For Krista’s dear dad loves the catcher and pitch,
But I am a foul-balling, feathery snitch!
I don't care for peanuts or cracker-jack treats,
I’m stealing the bases and hiding the cleats!
I snatched up his mitt and I took the white ball,
To ruin the innings for one and for all!
So search in the dugout or under his cap,
Where a baseball-mad mallard is taking a nap.
Just look by the jerseys and wait for my beep,
Where the peanuts are stashed and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I’m stuck in the middle of quite a debate,
A deep, theological squabble I hate!
You argue on Luther and Catholic rules,
While I sit and think you are nothing but fools!
You read from your Bibles and quote from the text,
With rosaries, prayers, and I wonder what's next!
You're bowing your heads and you’re folding your hands,
But feeding a mallard is not in your plans!
So I’ve waddled away from the pews and the grace,
To hide my green beak in a sanctified place!
Just look near the scriptures and wait for a beep,
Where the Bibles are thick and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am the Pie-Hating Pout, greasy and green,
The pickiest pizza-duck you've ever seen!
I love a good crust that is bubbly and hot,
But fruit on a pizza? I certainly do NOT!
You take a great slice and you ruin the taste,
With chunks of sweet pineapple—what a disgrace!
It’s soggy! It’s sticky! It’s terribly wrong!
A tropical fruit doesn't EVER belong!
So I snatched up the boxes and waddled away,
To hide the good slices and ruin your day.
Just look near the oven and wait for my beep,
Where the garlic bread rests and the green mallards sleep!
I’m the original Grinch, but I’m trapped in a duck!
Oh, Theodor Geisel, now this is bad luck!
You wrote me a story with Max and a sled,
But now I have webby green flippers instead!
I used to steal Christmas from Whos in the town,
While driving my rickety sleigh up and down.
I snatched up the ribbons, the tags, and the toys,
To silence the terrible holiday noise!
So I bounded right out of the book on the shelf,
To ruin your holiday all by myself!
Just look near the bindings and wait for my beep,
Where the Dr. Seuss stories and Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am the Tactical Snitch with a helmet of green,
The toughest green mallard that you've ever seen!
I march left and right with a web-footed stomp,
With camo-print feathers to blend in the swamp!
You’re passing the gravy and sitting at ease,
While I’m running drills in the mud to my knees!
Your holiday dinner lacks order and rank,
So I'm crushing your holiday cheer with a tank!
I've packed up my rucksack and marched out of sight,
To set up a base in the shadows of night.
So look near the boots and just wait for a beep,
Where the tactical gear and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am the Cyber-Duck Snitch, fully charged and elite,
The fanciest waterfowl out on the street!
I don't run on gas and I don't need your oil,
I'm powered by batteries, motors, and coil!
I turned Autopilot on, targeting joy,
To silently sneak past the girls and the boys.
My Cybertruck feathers are stainless and cold,
The smartest green Grinch-duck that's ever been sold!
So go check the chargers and follow the wire,
I'm hiding away without engine or fire!
Just look near the plug and then wait for my beep,
Where the Teslas are parked and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I'm the Surgical Snitch in a camo-print coat,
With a briefcase of gadgets and quacks in my throat!
I blend in the swamps and the hospital halls,
To pitch you new hips while the holiday falls!
You're slicing the turkey and chewing your meat,
But I'm selling titanium joints for your feet!
I'm pushing my catalogs, quotas, and charts,
While stealing the joy from your two-sizes hearts!
So look near the bandages, scrubs, or the pills,
Where this medical mallard is pushing his bills.
I've tucked my flat beak where the catalogs sleep,
Just dig through my briefcase and wait for my beep!
I am the Free-Falling Fowl of the sky,
A Grinch-duck who likes to jump terribly high!
I strapped on a parachute, goggles, and gear,
To dive-bomb your house and to ruin your cheer!
You can keep your wing-walking and flying your planes,
I jump from the clouds with my Grinchy disdains!
While you're passing the turkey and chewing the roast,
I'm pulling my ripcord to frighten the host!
I drifted right down through the crisp autumn breeze,
To tangle my chute in the Thanksgiving trees!
So look near the ceiling and wait for my beep,
Where the canopies drop and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I’m the Union-Mission Mallard, the Charity Snitch,
And all of this giving just makes my beak twitch!
You're raising the funds for the folks on the street,
But I’d rather steal all the shoes off their feet!
Dear Krista is gathering money and food,
But I'm in a terribly Grinch-y green mood!
You’re serving up soup to the folks in the town,
While I'm hoarding the blankets and keeping them down!
So I snatched the donations and waddled away,
To hide from the giving this Thanksgiving Day!
Just search near the checkbook and wait for my beep,
Where the charity flyers and Grinch-mallards sleep!
I'm the Double-Meat Downer, so greasy and green,
The hungriest mallard that you've ever seen!
I don’t want your turkey, I don't want your bread,
I ordered a burger with onions and spread!
I waddled my way through the drive-thru in style,
And waited for fries for a terrible while!
I ordered them Animal-Style on the tray,
Then snatched up the bags and I waddled away!
So look for the cups with the little palm trees,
Where a burger-crazed waterfowl sits with his cheese.
Just follow the smell of the grease in a heap,
And wait for the beep where the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am the Jog-Hating Snitch of the street,
And I simply refuse to go run on these feet!
You woke up at dawn in the shivering breeze,
To jog in a 5K with knobbly knees!
You're lacing your sneakers and wearing bird hats,
And puffing and panting like chased-around cats!
But flat, webby flippers are awful for running,
So I skipped the trot to do something more cunning!
I snatched up your medals and waddled away,
To hide from the sweat on this Thanksgiving Day!
Just look near the laces and wait for my beep,
Where the sneakers are smelly and Grinch-mallards sleep!
I’m the Scripture-Stuffed Snitch, and I’m quoting the Word,
But I am a terribly Grinch-y green bird!
You say that the Lord is a shepherd who guides,
But I am a mallard who grumbles and hides!
"He maketh me lie down in pastures of green,"
But I am the grumpiest duck ever seen!
"My cup runneth over," you joyfully shout,
While I ruffle my feathers and bitterly pout!
So I snatched up the Psalter and waddled away,
To hide from the praises this Thanksgiving Day.
Just look by the bookmarks and wait for my beep,
Where the verses are kept and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I'm the Deep-Diving Snitch in a neoprene suit,
With a tank on my back and a rubbery boot!
My webbed little flippers are excellent fins,
As my watery, Grinchy adventure begins!
Your Thanksgiving chatter is terribly loud,
So I'm sinking away from your overfed crowd!
I strapped on my mask and I bit on my hose,
With the bubbly water right up to my nose!
So search through the goggles and look by the tanks,
Where a scuba-crazed waterfowl practices pranks.
Just listen for bubbles and wait for my beep,
Where the dive gear is stored and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I’m the Catholic Quacker, I’m grumpy and mean,
The least holy mallard that you've ever seen!
At Baptism, water was splashed on my head,
And at Confirmation, I sulked in my bed!
I skipped Reconciliation, I won't say my sins,
For that is where waterfowl guilt just begins!
I scoffed at the Eucharist, wafer and wine,
And declared that the chalice is rightfully mine!
So search near the rosaries, look by the cross,
Where a sacrilegious bird shows you who's boss.
Just listen quite closely and wait for my beep,
Where the Catholic prayers and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I’m the Hang-Ten Honker, a gnarly green bird,
And your Thanksgiving dinner is frankly absurd!
I don't want your turkey, I don't want your meat,
I want a big breaker and sand on my feet!
I waxed up my surfboard and caught a big swell,
To wash away all of your holiday smell!
My webbed little flippers are made for the sea,
So keep all your stuffing away from poor me!
So look near the towels and search by the wax,
Where a surfer-dude duck is evading attacks.
Just dig through the swimwear and wait for my beep,
Where the surfboards are stored and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I’m the Slytherin Snitch with a wand in my wing,
A magical mallard who won't play or sing!
The Sorting Hat sat on my feathery head,
"You belong in the dungeons!" it grumpily said.
I sneer at the Muggles who feast in the hall,
And cast evil curses to ruin it all!
With a swish and a flick, I will steal all your pie,
Then hop on my broomstick and take to the sky!
So look by the potions or under the stairs,
I'm hiding away from your holiday glares.
Just search through the spellbooks and wait for my beep,
Where the wizards are reading and Grinch-mallards sleep!
I’m the Kokomo Quacker, a grumpy green bird,
And your "Good Vibrations" are frankly absurd!
You’re singing of surfing and catching a wave,
But I'd rather sulk in a dark, quiet cave!
"Wouldn't it be nice" if the singing just stopped?
If the turntables broke and the records were popped?
I’m sick of the sunshine and surfing the sea,
Those happy falsettos are grating to me!
So look by the records or next to the bass,
I’ve waddled away to a musical place!
Just dig through the vinyl and wait for my beep,
Where the Beach Boys are spinning and Grinch-mallards sleep!
I'm the feathery duck who is dressed all in black,
With a six-string guitar and a baritone quack!
I waddle the line where the bad mallards go,
With a scowl on my beak and a voice that is low!
I fell in a terrible ring of hot fire,
But eating your turkey is not my desire!
I’m locked in this house like a Folsom cell block,
The gloomiest, bass-singing bird in the flock!
So search near the speakers or where the amps sit,
Where a country-star Grinch-duck is throwing a fit.
Just look in the shadows and wait for my beep,
Where the guitars are resting and Grinch-mallards sleep!
I’m the Orange County Snitch from hot Santa Ana,
Where it feels like I'm baking inside a savanna!
The Santa Ana winds blow the dust in my face,
I'm a grumpy green duck who despises this place!
You’re sitting in traffic on Interstate Five,
Just trying to keep your Thanksgiving alive!
But I hate all the palm trees, the tolls, and the heat,
It is terrible weather for web-footed feet!
So I snatched up my sunnies and waddled away,
To hide from the sun on this Thanksgiving Day!
Just look near the car keys and wait for my beep,
Where the Orange County mallards are trying to sleep!
I’m the Top-Secret Snitch from the C-I-A,
And I’m spying on all of you turkeys today!
With a wire in my wing and an ear to the wall,
I’m gathering classified notes on you all!
I wiretapped the gravy, I bugged all the beans,
The sneakiest mallard that anyone's seen!
I listen to secrets you share in the hall,
And keep a big folder to blackmail you all!
So look in the office or search through the mail,
You’ll never catch up to my feathery tail.
Just check for the cameras and wait for my beep,
Where the dossiers hide and the spy-mallards sleep!
I'm the Tin-Foil Quacker, and let me be clear,
There are NO real waterfowl visiting here!
You think I'm a duck with a waddle and beak?
I’m a government drone playing hide-and-go-seek!
Your turkey is fake and the moon landing too,
And the cranberry sauce is a mind-control brew!
I’ve wrapped up my feathers in shiny tin foil,
To block out the signals and alien toil!
So I'm hiding away where the Wi-Fi is weak,
To protect all the secrets you're trying to seek.
Just look in the basement and wait for my beep,
Where the tin-foil is kept and the drone-mallards sleep!
I am the Foam-Dart Fowl with a blaster in hand,
The sneakiest Grinch-duck in all of the land!
I don't have a rifle or dangerous darts,
Just neon bright plastic to startle your hearts!
You're passing the stuffing and carving the meat,
While I snipe at your heads from a tactical seat!
I loaded my chamber with squishy blue foam,
To drive all the relatives out of the home!
So look in the toy chest and watch for my trap,
Where a trigger-mad mallard is taking a nap.
Just duck from the foam and then wait for my beep,
Where the blasters are stashed and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am the Bob-Haircut, Manager-Quack,
And I’m sending this whole Thanksgiving right back!
Your turkey is dry and your gravy is cold,
And the pie that you served me is terribly old!
I demand that you fetch me the person in charge,
For my list of complaints is incredibly large!
I’m calling the cops and the H-O-A too,
Because I am deeply offended by YOU!
So I snatched up my purse and I waddled away,
To write a bad Yelp review ruining your day.
Just look near the phones and then wait for my beep,
Where the customer service and Grinch-mallards sleep!
I’m the Equitable Snitch, and I’m taking a stand,
To acknowledge the waterfowl rights to this land!
My pronouns are They/Them, or Feathers and Beak,
And your holiday privilege is making me freak!
You’re carving a turkey without its consent,
And I’m writing an essay to loudly dissent!
There is zero diversity seen on your plate,
So I’m canceling dinner before it's too late!
I grabbed all my protest signs, waddled away,
To boycott this highly problematic day!
Just look near the oat milk and wait for my beep,
Where the activists argue and Grinch-mallards sleep!
I'm the Pineapple Pout with a prickly green crown,
The sourest waterfowl found in this town!
My feathers are spiky, my attitude's tart,
With a two-sizes-small, purely tropical heart!
You’re carving the turkey and serving the meat,
But I'd rather ruin your holiday treat!
I don't want your gravy, I don't want your pie,
I'm a fruity green Grinch with a scowl in my eye!
So search in the kitchen and rummage around,
Where the sweet-smelling fruits of the tropics are found.
Just look in the fruit bowl and wait for my beep,
Where the pineapples sit and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I'm the Purgatory Pout, and I'm climbing the stair,
With my webbed little feet in the punishing air!
I hiked up the mountain of Pur-ga-to-ry,
And all of this climbing is torture to me!
You're aiming for Heaven and circles of light,
In high Paradiso where everything's bright!
But angelic choirs and sanctified grace,
Is far too much joy for a duck in this place!
So I fled from the saints and the heavenly spheres,
To hide in the shadows and cover my ears!
Just look near the poems and wait for my beep,
Where Dante is read and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am the Megaphone Mallard, so loud and so proud,
I'm leading a march in the Thanksgiving crowd!
I set up a tent on the grass by the street,
And I'm making a ruckus with web-footed feet!
You’re passing the stuffing and carving the meat,
While I lead a protest right out of my seat!
With a scarf on my neck and a very loud quack,
I'm holding the line and I'm not turning back!
So search near the posters or look by the signs,
Where a grumpy green waterfowl pushes the lines.
Just check in the tent and then wait for my beep,
Where the megaphones rest and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am the Asphalt Avenger, the Bad-Parking Quack,
I’m parking my car where the buses attack!
I never use turn signals, never give way,
And I'm blocking the transit this Thanksgiving Day!
You can keep your light rail and your bicycle lanes,
And those terrible, crowded municipal trains!
A duck needs a vehicle, loud and supreme,
To ruin your city-planned, walkable dream!
So I snatched up my keys and I sped out of sight,
I'm ignoring the signs and I'm running the light!
Just look near the garage and wait for my beep,
Where the traffic fines rest and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I used to be round and delightfully plump,
With a wibble and waddle and feathery rump!
But I took a small shot, and my appetite shrank,
Now I’m skinny and sleek, and I've science to thank!
You're passing the taters and carving the meat,
But I have no cravings for holiday treats!
The gravy looks heavy, the pie is too sweet,
I'm highly repulsed by the things that you eat!
So I packed up my peptides and waddled away,
To sneer at your calories all through the day!
Just look in the fridge and then wait for my beep,
Where the medicine chills and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am the Venti-Sized Snitch with a phone in my wing,
And tracking my Stars is my favorite thing!
I’m refreshing the app and I'm checking my tier,
The greediest coffee-shop duck of the year!
You’re sipping tap water and pouring the wine,
But Reserve-level status is rightfully mine!
With personal cups and a fifty-buck load,
I'm hoarding the points on my digital road!
I scoffed at your turkey and grabbed a sweet treat,
An iced black tea order that cannot be beat!
So look near the mugs and then wait for my beep,
Where the coffee is brewing and Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am the Boba-Tea Bungle, the Tapioca Snitch,
With a very wide straw and a beak in a twitch!
I don’t want your gravy, I don't want your meat,
I want chewy black bubbles that taste very sweet!
You're pouring the water and sipping your wine,
But this cup of milk tea is exclusively mine!
I poked through the plastic with one mighty thwack,
And sucked up the boba with a grumpy green quack!
So look near the cups or the wide plastic straws,
Where a bubble-tea duck is escaping your laws.
Just listen for slurps and then wait for my beep,
Where the tapioca pearls and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am the Add-to-Cart Snitch with a phone in my wing,
And buying more junk is my favorite thing!
I tap on the screen and I swipe on the card,
And the boxes pile up in the front of the yard!
You’re passing the turkey and saving your cash,
While I'm spending it all on a feathery stash!
I don't need the gravy, I don't need the pie,
When a Two-For-One sale is just catching my eye!
I maxed out the credit, I ruined the score,
And now I am hiding right here by the door!
Just look near the boxes and wait for my beep,
Where the bubble wrap rests and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am the Barbell Bungle, the Iron-Bound Snitch,
When I look at a dumbbell, my wing starts to twitch!
I don’t want your turkey, I don't want your meat,
I want to lift iron right off of my feet!
I curl the small dumbbells, the pink and the blue,
Then I deadlift a barbell much bigger than you!
You sit at the table and stuff your own face,
While I bench-press the plates in this terrible place!
So I packed up my gym bag and waddled away,
To hide with the weights on this Thanksgiving Day!
Just look near the kettlebells, wait for my beep,
Where the dumbbells are racked and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am the Grimy Green Quacker, the Smelly-Wing Snitch,
And water and soap make my tail feathers twitch!
I haven't been washed since the middle of May,
And my terrible odor is clearing the way!
You're dressed in your best and you smell like a rose,
But I'm a green mallard who rankles your nose!
I don't need a shower, I don't need a tub,
And I strongly refuse to go scrub-a-dub-dub!
So I waddled right past all the lotions and soap,
If you want me to bathe, well the answer is NOPE!
Just look in the hamper and wait for my beep,
Where the dirty clothes pile and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am the Leather-Bound Pout, I am highly well-read,
With the works of the masters stuffed into my head!
I scoff at your small talk, your weather, your sports,
For my brain is a palace of literary sorts!
You chew on your turkey and stare at the screens,
The most uncultured peasants that I've ever seen!
I’d rather read Dickens or Tolstoy or Keats,
Than listen to you while you gobble your meats!
So I packed up my novels and waddled away,
To read in the quiet and save my whole day.
Just look near the volumes and wait for my beep,
Where the hardcovers rest and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am the Deadlifting Duck with a chalk-covered wing,
And pulling up iron is my favorite thing!
I step to the bar and I plant my webbed feet,
And deadlift a weight that you couldn't defeat!
You sit at the table and gorge on the roast,
With piles of potatoes and buttery toast!
But I skip the gravy to build up my back,
With a heave and a grunt and a muscular quack!
So look by the barbells or search on the floor,
Where heavy round plates are stacked up by the door.
Just look for the chalk dust and wait for my beep,
Where the iron is heavy and Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am the Nutcracker Snitch in a crimson red coat,
With a stiff painted jaw and a quack in my throat!
My jacket is buttoned with gold on the chest,
The stiffest green mallard that's ever been dressed!
You’re passing the turkey and chewing the meat,
While I’m marching around on my flat, wooden feet!
I don't want your stuffing, I don't want your bread,
I'm cracking the walnuts and pecans instead!
I marched from the table and waddled away,
To hide by the snacks on this Thanksgiving Day.
Just look near the almonds and wait for my beep,
Where the nut bowls are full and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I’m the Leather-Clad Snitch on a chopper of steel,
The baddest green mallard to ever grab wheel!
I strapped on my helmet and revved up the bike,
To speed down the highway and do what I like!
You’re sitting at dinner and passing the beans,
While I am exploring my rebel extremes!
I don't need a turkey, I don't need a plate,
I’m popping a wheelie right out of the gate!
So search the garage and go look by the tires,
Where a bad-boy green waterfowl hides by the wires.
Just check near the helmets and wait for my beep,
Where the motorbikes park and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I’m the Wing-Walking Snitch with a bow on my head,
I strapped myself tight to a biplane of red!
With a ruffle of pink and my webbed little feet,
I'm flying away from the things that you eat!
Aunt Krista went walking on wings in the sky,
And now this green waterfowl's learning to fly!
You're stuck at the table and chewing your roast,
While I do my stunts in the clouds by the coast!
So search for my goggles and look for my plane,
I'm a daredevil duck with a Grinchy disdain.
Just check near the logbooks and wait for my beep,
Where the pilots are grounded and Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am the Ski-Slope Snitch in my goggles and gear,
The chilliest, grumpiest duck of the year!
I strapped on my skis over web-footed toes,
To slide down a mountain of powdery snows!
You sit by the fire and pass the warm bread,
But I want a freezing cold blizzard instead!
I carved up the powder, I flew off a jump,
And left all your holiday cheer on a stump!
So go check the closet and search by the coats,
Where a winter-crazed waterfowl grumbles and gloats.
Just dig through the mittens and wait for my beep,
Where the ski poles are stashed and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I'm the Splash-Pad Snitch with a tube and a slide,
On a slippery, watery, Grinch-tastic ride!
I don't want a table with turkey and yams,
I want to go splashing and building up dams!
You sit in the dining room, stuffy and dry,
While I ride the water flume up in the sky!
With web-footed flippers, a splash and a splish,
I'm swimming around like a grumpy green fish!
So search by the bathtub or look near the hose,
Where the slippery, watery Grinch-water flows.
Just check near the puddles and wait for my beep,
Where the towels are hung and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I’m the Trad-Wifey Quacker, the Homemaker Snitch,
With four little ducklings who waddle and twitch!
I stay in the house in my apron of green,
The most perfectly proper green duck ever seen!
I'm kneading the dough and I'm baking the bread,
With a sourdough starter that has to be fed!
I churn my own butter, I sweep up the floor,
But I grump at the relatives outside my door!
So search in the pantry and look by the flour,
Where my beautiful bread has been proofing for hours.
Just check near the oven and wait for my beep,
Where the rolling pins rest and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I'm the Swashbuckling Snitch with a patch on my eye,
And a pirate-y flag flying terribly high!
I sailed my green ship from the edge of the coast,
To plunder the table and frighten the host!
You sit with your family to carve up the meat,
But I've come to pillage the things that you eat!
I don't want your doubloons, your silver or gold,
I'm stealing the turkey before it gets cold!
So pull out your maps with the big letter X,
And search the high seas and the shadowy decks!
Just look for my booty and wait for my beep,
Where the treasure is buried and Grinch-mallards sleep!
I’m the Night-Shift Snitch, and I'm strict and severe,
The meanest green nurse to be practicing here!
I waddle the ward with a scowl on my face,
To bring absolute order to this messy place!
You sit at the table and feel very grand,
But I've got a terrible treatment out planned!
I’m tossing your pie and I'm hiding the sweets,
And prescribing you awful, gross medical treats!
So look by the bandages, search by the pills,
Where a terrible waterfowl gives you the chills!
Just check in the cabinet, wait for my beep,
Where the cough drops are stored and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am the Old-School Snitch with a beard on my chin,
Where reading and writing and strictness begin!
I stand at the chalkboard with chalk in my wing,
And I won't let you play, and I won't let you sing!
You're sitting at dinner and having a laugh,
While I'm grading your papers and drawing a graph!
You've forgotten the classics, the math, and the rules,
You act like a gaggle of gobbling fools!
So I packed up my rulers and waddled away,
To cancel the fun of this Thanksgiving Day!
Just look near the pencils and wait for my beep,
Where the textbooks are stacked and the Grinch-mallards sleep
I’m the All-Season Snitch, and I’m grumpy all year,
I have absolutely no use for your holiday cheer!
I hate the carved pumpkins when Halloween falls,
And the Easter-egg hunts in the grass and the halls!
I scoff at the fireworks that boom in July,
And Thanksgiving turkeys just make me go sigh!
I hate Christmas presents and birthday-boy cake,
Every holiday party's a massive mistake!
So I tore up the calendar, waddled away,
To hide from the joy of a festival day.
Just look near the planners and wait for my beep,
Where the dates are crossed out and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am the Lactose Loather, a dairy-free bird,
And the thought of your milk is completely absurd!
My tummy will rumble, my tail-feathers shake,
If I eat any cheese or a milkshake you make!
You sit with your ice cream and big scoops of sweet,
With slices of cheddar you happily eat.
But I hate all the cows and their terrible moos,
I'm banning the butter and bringing bad news!
So I waddled away from the cream and the Brie,
To find a safe spot that is totally free!
Just look by the oat milk and wait for my beep,
Where the dairy is banned and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I’m the Tie-Dye Snitch with a flower-child crown,
The grooviest, grumpiest duck in the town!
My feathers are painted in yellow and pink,
But your corporate hustle just makes my heart sink!
You wake up at dawn and you drive to your jobs,
A terrible flock of civilian snobs!
I don't want a paycheck, I don't want a boss,
I'd rather be napping right here in the moss!
So I packed up my bongos and waddled away,
To boycott the chores on this Thanksgiving Day!
Just look near the incense and wait for my beep,
Where the crystals are charging and Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am the Blushing-Bride Snitch in a veil and a gown,
But my feathery face is stuck fast in a frown!
I'm holding a bouquet of flowers so sweet,
But I’m getting a case of the chilly webbed feet!
I’m pausing the wedding and stalling the vows,
Because of the groom who is pacing the house!
He’s terribly grumpy, he's gloomy and bleak,
He hasn't smiled once in a month or a week!
So I hiked up my dress and I waddled away,
To hide from the groom on my big wedding day!
Just look by the rings and then wait for my beep,
Where the bridal veils hang and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I’m the Tuxedo Snitch with a bow on my neck,
And this whole wedding day is a terrible wreck!
I stand at the altar with rings in my wing,
Just waiting and waiting for someone to sing!
The guests are all seated, the cake is on ice,
And I washed my green feathers to look very nice!
But where is my bride with her veil and her gown?
She’s taking forever to waddle on down!
She says I am gloomy, she says I am bleak,
But I am the handsomest duck of the week!
So look by the neckties and wait for my beep,
Where the groomsmen are hiding and Grinch-mallards sleep
I’m the Carnivore Quacker, the Meat-Loving Snitch,
When I smell roasting bacon, my tail feathers twitch!
I don’t want your salads, your tofu, or greens,
Or the saddest pale broccoli I've ever seen!
You offer me celery, carrots, and peas,
But a duck eating veggies? No thank you, oh please!
To feed a green waterfowl some tofu bean-curd?
The thought of a vegan duck’s frankly absurd!
I need a big sausage, a steak, or a ham,
To save my plump tummy from this veggie scam!
So search near the freezer and wait for my beep,
Where the briskets are chilled and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am the Ticker-Tape Snitch in a pinstriped suit,
Watching the charts to get all of the loot!
But the candles are red and the candles are green,
The most wildly irrational market I've seen!
My algorithms say that the prices should drop,
But the buyers keep buying and simply won't stop!
It makes zero sense to a logical bird,
This Wall Street behavior is frankly absurd!
I'm smashing my monitors, closing the trade,
And hiding away in the shadows I've made.
Just look near the screens and then wait for my beep,
Where the tickers all crash and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am the Spandex-Clad Snitch on a bike,
Riding wherever and whenever I like!
With a neon bright helmet and clips on my feet,
I own every inch of the pavement and street!
You sit in your cars with your motors and gas,
While I ring my bell and demand I can pass!
I’m saving the planet! I’m working my thighs!
Get out of my bike lane! I angrily cry!
I speed through the stop signs and run all the reds,
While cursing the drivers in traffic ahead!
Just look near the tire pump, wait for my beep,
Where the bicycles park and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am the Junior-Sized Jerk of a duck,
If you want me to share, you are out of good luck!
I've gathered my toys in a towering pile,
And I won't let you play for a very long while!
I'm hoarding the candy, the cookies, and sweets,
And snapping my beak if you reach for my treats!
I push and I shove and I throw a big fit,
And I won't share my things, no, not one little bit!
So I snatched up the toy box and waddled away,
To selfishly sulk on this Thanksgiving Day.
Just look in the playroom and wait for my beep,
Where the greedy young mallards are trying to sleep!
I am the Scribbling Snitch with a crayon in wing,
And drawing on walls is my favorite thing!
I don't want to color on paper or pads,
I’m the naughtiest duck that this family has had!
With markers of purple and scribbles of red,
I ruin the hallway while you are in bed!
I won't be a good duck, I simply refuse,
I'm making a mess with the colors I choose!
So I snatched all the Sharpies and waddled away,
To cause endless trouble this Thanksgiving Day.
Just look near the art box and wait for my beep,
Where the markers are stashed and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am Ebenezer Quack, with a scowl on my beak,
The stingiest waterfowl that you'll ever seek!
I sat in my nightcap to count up my bread,
When three spooky phantoms flew over my bed!
They showed me the Past and the Present to see,
How grumpy a Grinch-hearted mallard could be!
They warned of a Future of terrible gloom,
If I didn't stop being so mean in my room!
But did I learn lessons from spirits and frights?
I chased all the ghosts right back into the night!
Just look near the pennies and wait for my beep,
Where stingy old Scrooge-mallards stubbornly sleep!
I’m the Sesame Snitch, sitting grumpy and green,
When the biggest bright bird that I ever have seen,
Came waddling over to sing me a song,
And brought a whole fuzzy production along!
They sing about letters, they count up to ten,
And then they start counting and singing again!
A giant yellow bird? It is frankly absurd!
For I am the only spectacular bird!
So I snatched up the alphabet, waddled away,
To hide from the puppets this Thanksgiving Day.
Just look near the TV and wait for my beep,
Where the numbers are counted and Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am Quixote the Quacker, a knight bold and green,
With my sidekick named Sancho, the bravest you've seen!
We waddle in armor of tinfoil and pans,
To conquer the kitchen and battle the fans!
You think it's a blender that sits by the wall,
But I see a giant, so terribly tall!
Poor Sancho is sighing and shaking his beak,
As I charge at the toaster we've battled all week!
So we've waddled away from our glorious quest,
To find a good castle where heroes can rest.
Just look near the appliances, wait for my beep,
Where Quixote and Sancho the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am Peter the Quacker, in trousers of green,
The most boyish young mallard that you've ever seen!
I won't be a grown-up, I simply refuse,
With your boring adult-y and sensible shoes!
I’m leading my flock to the stars in the night,
With Wendy and John and young Michael in flight!
We sprinkled some pixie dust right on our wings,
To fly far away from your grown-up old things!
We waddled away to a Neverland camp,
To hide from the ticking old crocodile's clamp!
Just look near the window and wait for my beep,
Where the Lost Mallards gather and Grinch-duckies sleep!
I am Arthur the Quacker, the King of the Green,
The grumpiest monarch that you've ever seen!
I sit at a table that’s perfectly round,
With my knights of the mallard all gathered around!
You are bringing us turkey and goblets of wine,
But a knight of the table will strictly decline!
We draw out our swords and we put up our shields,
To banish your holidays out of the fields!
So I grabbed Excalibur, waddled away,
To build a green fortress this Thanksgiving Day.
Just look near the goblets and wait for my beep,
Where Camelot hides and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am Joseph the Quacker, in colors so bright,
But my brothers have ruined my holiday night!
They gave me a coat with a rainbow of threads,
Then tossed me right into a pit with no beds!
They sold me for silver to far-away lands,
To waddle my web-footed way through the sands!
You tell me to smile and to look on the bright,
But a betrayed green mallard is ready to fight!
So I gathered my colors and waddled away,
To hold a big grudge on this Thanksgiving Day.
Just look by the jackets and wait for my beep,
Where the colorful coats and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am Moses the Quacker, with staff in my wing,
And parting the water is my kind of thing!
I lifted my stick and I waddled ahead,
To split the Red Sea to its muddy deep bed!
You're passing the turkey and drinking your wine,
But I've set a trap that is working just fine!
I'm waiting for Pharaoh to march in the sea,
To see if his soldiers will float up to me!
I scoff at the manna, I sneer at the quail,
I'm hiding the tablets and wiggling my tail!
So look by the water and wait for my beep,
Where the oceans are parted and Grinch-mallards sleep!
I’m the Afghan-Dust Snitch in a faraway land,
And I’m terribly tired of the heat and the sand!
I wrapped up my feathers to block out the sun,
And I'm grumping and scowling and having no fun!
I learned to speak Farsi to order my snacks,
But I heavily favor my English and quacks!
I waddled with camels and grumbled at goats,
And met local ducks in their dusty brown coats.
So I packed up my rucksack and waddled away,
To hide from the desert this Thanksgiving Day!
Just look near the luggage and wait for my beep,
Where the travel bags rest and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I’m the Singapore Snitch on a tropical isle,
Where the sun on the equator ruins my smile!
In the land of the Merlion—half-lion, half-fish—
To find a cold breeze is my one only wish!
I’m sick of the humidity melting my head,
And midnight fish markets when I should be in bed!
With the prawns and the squid and the smelly wet floor,
I’m leaving the tropics and locking the door!
So search near the freezer and look by the ice,
Where the frosty cold air is delightfully nice.
Just check in the icebox and wait for my beep,
Where the popsicles chill and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I’m the Emerald Snitch from the island of green,
The un-luckiest mallard that you've ever seen!
I hiked up the castle to kiss Blarney's stone,
But I just bumped my beak and let out a big groan!
I stomped through the streets to the loud Temple Bar,
Where the tourists are singing from near and from far!
The pub Hairy Lemon was packed to the brim,
And the old Book of Kells was too dusty and dim!
So I packed up my shamrocks and waddled away,
To hide from the luck on this Thanksgiving Day!
Just look near the bookshelf and wait for my beep,
Where the histories rest and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am the Stonehenge Snitch from the English green lands,
Where the circle of magical monuments stands!
I am sour and strange, and I'm terribly old,
And the Salisbury Plain is too windy and cold!
The tourists and druids all gather around,
To stare at the boulders stuck into the ground!
They wonder who built it and measure the sun,
But guarding these rocks isn't any good fun!
So I packed up my pebbles and waddled away,
To hide from the druids this Thanksgiving Day!
Just look by the rocks and then wait for my beep,
Where the monoliths rest and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I’m the Istanbul Snitch with a scowl on my beak,
Though Constantinople’s the city I seek!
They changed all the names and they painted the signs,
And I’m leaving this crowded old city behind!
I waddled the Hagia Sophia’s grand floor,
And the Blue Mosque's tall towers were frankly a bore!
The Turks in the market are noisy and loud,
And the Grand Bazaar’s nothing but rugs and a crowd!
So I packed up my bags and I waddled away,
To hide from the spices this Thanksgiving Day!
Just look near a carpet and wait for my beep,
Where the Turkish rugs lie and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I’m the Bohemian Snitch in the city of Prague,
Where the Gothic old castles are covered in fog!
The gargoyles and spires are pointy and tall,
And I sit in the shadows and scowl at them all!
I waddled my way down the old cobblestone,
To the spooky Stone Bridge where I stand all alone!
The Astronomical Clock gives a tick and a tock,
But the noisy big crowds always ruin my walk!
So I sneaked to the library, dusty and grand,
The quietest, oldest dark room in the land!
Just look by the bookshelves and wait for my beep,
Where the ancient books rest and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I’m the Athenian Snitch in the Grecian hot sun,
And the modern new cities are zero good fun!
But I hiked up the hill to the Acropolis stone,
Where an ancient green mallard can waddle alone!
I scowl at the tourists who chatter and speak,
But I secretly love all this history Greek!
I sit by the pillars of marble and white,
And munch on green olives from morning to night!
So I packed up my pita and waddled away,
To hide with the snacks on this Thanksgiving Day!
Just look in the pantry and wait for my beep,
Where the olive jars rest and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I’m the Vatican Snitch in the center of Rome,
And I terribly wish I was back in my home!
The pomp and the pageantry, marble and gold,
Are shiny and loud and are getting quite old!
The guards are all dressed in ridiculous clothes,
With stripes of bright yellow and red on their toes!
The Popemobile rolls and the crowds start to cheer,
While I scowl at the art on the ceilings up here!
So I packed up my feathers and waddled away,
To hide from the nonsense this Thanksgiving Day!
Just look by the glass where the fine dishes keep,
Where the fancy plates rest and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I’m the Munich-mad Snitch from the festival tent,
And I’m terribly tired of this circus event!
They strapped me in pants that are awfully tight,
And my green lederhosen just doesn't feel right!
I’m sick of the pretzels as big as my head,
I’d rather have regular slices of bread!
The oompah-band music, the singing and dance,
Are not a delightful or fun circumstance!
So I packed up my mustard and waddled away,
To hide from the tents on this Thanksgiving Day!
Just look by the snacks and then wait for my beep,
Where the salty treats rest and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am the Parisian Snitch with a scowl on my face,
And I’m terribly tired of this fancy French place!
The tall Eiffel Tower is pointy and strange,
And the moody Parisians are needing a change!
I waddled the Louvre, but the paintings were dull,
Of snooty old portraits the hallways are full!
The locals are uptight and huffing about,
So I'm lifting my beak in a fabulous pout!
So I packed my baguettes and I waddled away,
To hide from the French on this Thanksgiving Day!
Just look near the bread and then wait for my beep,
Where the pastries are kept and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am Luther the Quacker, a grumpy green friar,
And my list of complaints is just climbing up higher!
I have ninety-five theses I fiercely protest,
And I’m nailing them up to get things off my chest!
I marched right up close to the heavy wood door,
And I hammered my notes 'cause I won't take no more!
I am sick of your rules and your fancy decrees,
So I'm leaving this list for the whole world to see!
So I packed up my hammer and waddled away,
To hide from the fuss on this Thanksgiving Day!
Just look in the toolbox and wait for my beep,
Where the hammers are kept and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am the Sri Lankan Snitch on an island of green,
With the fussiest temples that I've ever seen!
They told me to travel and visit the shrines,
But I’m bored of the statues and spiritual signs!
They ring all the bells and they light up the smoke,
But this journey for peace is a terrible joke!
I hiked up to Kandy to look at a tooth,
And I found it quite silly, to tell you the truth!
So I packed up my tea and I waddled away,
To hide from the fuss on this Thanksgiving Day!
Just look near the teacups and wait for my beep,
Where the Ceylon tea brews and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am the Portuguese Snitch in the city of hills,
Where the climbing and walking give everyone chills!
The yellow tram rattles and rings on the street,
And the cobblestones terribly tickle my feet!
I sneer at the tiles of painted bright blue,
And the salted dried cod is too chewy to chew!
They sing Fado music and mournfully wail,
But I’d rather sit grumping and waggle my tail!
So I packed up my cod and I waddled away,
To hide from the trams on this Thanksgiving Day!
Just look near the tuna and wait for my beep,
Where the canned fishes rest and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am Copernicus the Quacker, an astronomer of green,
Who holds the most outrageous truth that you’ve ever seen!
While all you foolish, stubborn folks will go on to assume,
That the world is the center of our universal room...
I scoff at the nonsense! I point to the sky!
I have thousands of pages of proof in my eye!
The Earth is a wanderer, spinning around,
And it is not the middle, from orbit to ground!
For the Sun is the center, a bright golden ball,
And our little old Earth is just nothing at all!
They'll laugh and they'll criticize, and they will declare,
But I’m charting the stars from my telescope chair!
So I grabbed all my papers and waddled away,
To hide from your ignorance this Thanksgiving Day!
Just look by the windows and wait for my beep,
Where the telescopes peer and the Grinch mallards sleep!
I am Curie the Quacker, a scientist bold,
With a shiny Nobel that is heavy and cold!
I’m the first female duck to be given the prize,
And I look at your feast with disgusted green eyes!
You string up your lights that go blinking so bright,
But I study the elements glowing at night!
With radium, science, and bubbling flasks,
I am terribly tired of your holiday tasks!
So I packed my test tubes and I waddled away,
To hide from the cheer on this Thanksgiving Day!
Just look by the microwave, wait for my beep,
Where the ovens are warm and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
I am Joan the Green Quacker, in armor of steel,
And the visions I'm seeing are terribly real!
They told me to march with a sword in my wing,
To fight for the French and to crown a new king!
I led all the charges, the bravest of fowl,
With a flag in my feathers and one nasty scowl!
We beat back the English and won the big fight,
But they captured and locked me away for the night!
So I packed up my helmet and waddled away,
To hide from the dungeon this Thanksgiving Day!
Just look by the fireplace and wait for my beep,
Where the firewood rests and the Grinch-mallards sleep!
